How to Disagree Better? A Guidebook.
Turn Your Next Argument Into Your Best Conversation
Learn how to disagree better with friends, family, and people in your community. Stop fighting. Start listening.
Free tools and guides to help you have better conversations—even when you disagree.
Learn More → Download Guide →
The Problem: We Don't Know How to Disagree
Fights happen all the time. At the dinner table. On social media. At school. In our neighborhoods. We argue about politics, values, and how things should be done.
Here's the truth: Most of us never learned how to disagree in a healthy way.
When we disagree with someone, we often do one of two things. We either avoid the conversation completely. Or we jump into "battle mode" where we try to win instead of listen.
Both of these options make things worse. Avoiding problems doesn't solve them. Fighting pushes people away and makes us angrier.
But there's good news. Disagreeing doesn't have to be a fight. You can learn simple tools to have better conversations—even about hard topics.
What Is Disagree Better?
Disagree Better is a movement started by state governors across America. It gives people tools to have healthier conversations when they don't agree.
Utah Governor Spencer Cox and Colorado Governor Jared Polis (a Republican and a Democrat) started this together. They wanted to show that people from different parties can still talk with respect.
🎯 The Goal
Help Americans disagree without being mean or hurtful
🛠️ The Tools
Free guides, videos, and lessons you can use right away
👥 Who It's For
Everyone—parents, kids, teachers, neighbors, coworkers
💡 The Big Idea
Conflict can be healthy if done right
What makes this different:
- It's not about changing your mind or giving up what you believe
- It's not about avoiding hard topics
- It teaches you how to stay in the conversation even when it's tough
- It helps you understand others without attacking them
- It works for disagreements big and small—from family dinners to community meetings
The PAUSE Method: Five Simple Steps
When a conversation gets heated, use PAUSE. These five steps help you stay calm and keep talking instead of fighting.
Pause
Stop before you react. Take a breath. Don't let your anger take over. Give yourself a moment to think.
Ask
Ask real questions to understand the other person. Not questions meant to trap them. Questions to learn why they think the way they do.
Understand
Try to understand their point of view. You don't have to agree. Just try to see where they're coming from.
Seek
Seek common ground. Look for things you both agree on. Most people share more than you think.
Engage
Engage with respect. Share your view in a way that doesn't attack the other person. Stay in the conversation.
Why PAUSE works:
- It gives you time to calm down before saying something you'll regret
- It shows the other person you actually care about what they think
- It helps you learn something new instead of just arguing
- It makes conversations feel less scary and more productive
- It builds trust between people even when they disagree
The HEAR Method: How to Share Your View
When it's time to share what you think, use HEAR. This method helps you say what you believe without starting a fight.
Hedge Your Claims
Say things like "sometimes" or "in my experience" instead of "always" or "never." Don't speak in absolutes.
Emphasize Agreement
Point out things you both agree on. Even in big fights, there are things both sides think are important.
Acknowledge
Repeat back what the other person said in your own words. Show them you actually heard what they said.
Reframe Positively
Use positive words instead of negative ones. Say what you want, not just what you don't want.
Examples of HEAR in action:
- Instead of: "You're completely wrong about climate change!"
- Try: "I hear that you're worried about the economy. I share that concern. In my experience, I've seen how climate change affects jobs too. Can we talk about both?"
The Parenting Toolkit: Three Lessons
Disagree Better created three free lessons to help families practice these skills at home. Each lesson takes 20-30 minutes.
🪞 Lesson 1: Start With Me
Look at yourself first. What kind of example are you setting? Do you show respect to people you disagree with?
🏠 Lesson 2: Disagree Better at Home
Practice with family members. Learn to handle arguments with siblings, parents, and other people at home.
🌍 Lesson 3: Disagree Better Outside
Use these skills with friends, teachers, coaches, and even on social media.
What you'll learn:
- How to stay calm when someone makes you angry
- How to listen even when you really want to talk
- How to find things you agree on even in big fights
- How to speak up for what you believe without being mean
- How to keep relationships strong even when you disagree
Created by experts: These lessons were made by researchers at Utah State University and Brigham Young University. They used real science about what works in conflict.
Why Disagree Better Matters
You don't have to land on common ground to find success in conflict. Sometimes the win is learning something new—about the person, the issue, or even yourself.
Here's what happens when we learn to disagree better:
❤️ Stronger Relationships
When you can disagree without fighting, relationships get stronger, not weaker
🧠 Better Thinking
Hearing different views helps you think more clearly about issues
🏘️ Better Communities
Communities work better when people can solve problems together
🗳️ Better Democracy
Our country works better when citizens can talk across differences
What research shows:
- People who use these methods report more pleasant conversations than they expected
- Conversations with disagreement can actually be interesting and fun
- Most people find relief when they finally have honest conversations
- You can make someone feel heard without changing your own mind
- Small changes in your words make a big difference in how others respond
How to Get Started
You can start using these tools today. Here's how:
Step 1: Practice on Small Disagreements
Don't start with the hardest conversation. Practice PAUSE and HEAR on small disagreements first. Maybe a disagreement about what to watch on TV or where to eat dinner.
Step 2: Use One Tool at a Time
You don't have to use all the tools at once. Pick one thing to try. Maybe start with just pausing before you react. Or try asking more questions.
Step 3: Notice What Works
Pay attention to what happens when you use these tools. Does the other person calm down? Does the conversation go better? Learn from what works.
Step 4: Teach Others
Share these tools with your family, friends, or coworkers. When everyone knows the tools, conversations go even better.
Step 5: Be Patient
These skills take practice. You won't get it perfect the first time. That's okay. Keep trying. Each conversation is a chance to get better.
Resources available:
- Free downloadable PDF guide with all the tools
- Videos showing what good disagreement looks like
- Online lessons for families (20-30 minutes each)
- Tips for using these tools at school, work, and home
- Stories from real people who've used these methods successfully
